(Wrote this on October 20th, a week into the tour. I looked on the travel itinerary to see where I was when I wrote this, and I remember very clearly that I wrote that during the drive from West Lafayette, Indiana to Chicago, Illinois.)
October 20, 2011, Reason Movement Tour
I’m listening to Mike Snow’s “Sans Soleil”, a song that anchors good feelings to the day I met Evil Angel director Jay Sin. Him, Mandy Mitchell and I had a slumber party that night, and when this song came on, I understood why it was so exceptional.
I got in the habit of wearing my headphones because I re-remembered how sensitive my mood is to the music that’s playing. One song could make me feel anxious, while the next song could lift me to euphoria. And while half of the time, the band and my musical taste are compatible, the other half they are not. I kind of remember a time where I wasn’t so particular about things, but my little routines, habits, & state of my surroundings have become some way of dealing.
Not with anything in particular, usually. Just my constantly flowing tar pit river of anxiety, that connects in veins and pools into a whirlpool in the very center of my chest. It feels like where my heart would be even though I know it’s actually where my lungs are, and all of this makes it hard to breath. I’m used to the dull yet bearable just because I’m conscious anxiety, and so I only become aware of it when it becomes unmanageable & I feel it so physically all over my body, like right now, that I know I’m not breathing like I should.
Deep breaths help. I’m going to consciously start practicing to breath more as well as maintain the posture I learned to have when I was trained & then promoted to Upper Floor slave for 6 months in San Francisco, CA for Kink.com’s TheUpperFloor.com. I know that this low time in my life is not necessarily uncommon. That while it’s been very challenging, lonely, etc… I’m also learning so much and that I should be using all this time to evolve, because when it gets unbelievably good in my life, I will feel so silly that I spent time in a deep dark eternal purgatory.
You really never know what could happen next… What your dreams hold for you when you somehow manage to get yourself into bed after many hours of silent protest or what events could transpire the next morning and all through out the day. I know that when I feel completely helpless, something extraordinary always happens… and instead of feeling sheepish of the wasted hours of distrust in the universe, I would much rather feel the confident affirmation of “I knew it would come when it was time and it has and I managed to preserve my happiness irregardless of the circumstances so now I can enjoy better times and with less wrinkles, dark circle, and premature gray hair.” The extraordinary miracles that seem to pop in when you are on the brink of surrender, rooting you on, reminding you that your life isn’t being lived in vain… it will be so much more sweet if when it happens and I’ll feel more wise, more at peace with the unpredictable chaos of life. The calm before and after the storm is this peace. A time of renewal before the next battle and then a time of rest after as well.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo times a billion,