When VICE asks you parenting advice! - May 8, 2016

Recently VICE sought out Parenting Advice from Real-Life Porn Star MILFS featuring myself and 8 other super cool Porn Stars.

It’s a super fun read and I learned some cool shit from it too! Thanks moms!

I wanted to post the unedited version of my answer in case any of you were interested to read the in-depth of my answer because I had a lot of fun writing it and wanted to share!

 

If I could offer any parenting advice it would be ___________.

It’s sort of a tie between the following two ideas. They are both things that resonate deeply for me on both intellectual and emotional levels and I have found them both to be helpful and reassuring in the moments I doubt myself for taking a path less traveled. Of course, this is simply my truth, not THE truth nor do I have any invested interest in anyone thinking like me but if my thoughts resonate or spark something within anyone else, then that’s super cool… First my advice would be to not let strangers, friends, family, society, even your own parents make you feel that you need to be conventional in order to be a good parent.

I get a lot of different reactions and the questions that accompany them to working in the adult industry and also being a mom, as if the two could not exist simultaneously. My childhood best friend & I happened to get pregnant within a few months of each other. Within a couple months of becoming pregnant, the baby Daddy and I flew to his hometown in Normandie, France to get married, then flew back to my hometown in North County San Diego after having lived nomadically for the 7-8 years previous. I was so excited to experience this adventure in the same town with my longest friend. Parenthood does funny things to people.

Shortly after arriving back home, we met up to have a conversation. One I requested to have in person after she had emailed me to let me know that if I continued to webcam while I was pregnant, she would be unable to continue any kind of a friendship. As devastating and hurtful as it was, I had to accept her right to decide what kind of people are going to be in her child’s life and if she felt that I posed a certain lack of moral integrity by in her words, “exploiting my unborn baby in order to make money”, then it was what it was. I was congruent and didn’t see anything wrong with webcamming while I was pregnant.

Surely I was still going to jerk off anyway and goodness knows I was out of my mind crazy horny… why not channel this into a financially beneficial outlet for this new sexual energy? I felt sexy! I felt like celebrating my body and what wonderful things it could do. The many various wonderful things it could do! Create life, have mind-blowing orgasms. Even butt sex became more magical as if that were even possible! But to suddenly view sexuality as something to be ashamed of is an unfortunate side effect of the Madonna-Whore complex. As if the moment I became pregnant, I was supposed to stop being me and become Mother Theresa, taking on “Mom” as my entire identity as opposed to simply adding it to the inventory of roles that make up my identity. It’s as if once you become a mom, people want you to denounce the very thing that made it possible for your child to exist. No more pleasure, no more you, now you are here only as a means to and end for your child.

Deciding to take a break from shooting actual porn, I focused my energy on the areas within the adult industry I could still be working in. It will always be too easy for people to pass judgements on the way you decide to live your life, especially if you live your life in an unconventional way. Far too often do people say, “Oh no! That’s not the way it’s supposed to be done!” or “We’ve always done it this way, if it ain’t broken don’t fix it.”

I recently got a tattoo I had been wanting for awhile. It’s a big pink butt plug wearing a bandana with a banner dead and center reading, “Plug Life”. It’s fairly visible if I’m wearing shorts, located on the front of my leg underneath my hip bone. My mom said to me “I’ve ruined my daughter’s life forever. What will her teachers think? What will other parents think?” Any adversity my daughter faces due to the choices I have made such as a profession in porn, or even a tattoo of a butt plug will only present opportunities for her and I to learn about ourselves and grow in the process. I’d rather show my daughter how to live from a place of love than a place of fear. And that starts with living my life how I decide is best for me (and subsequently her as well), rather than let the beliefs of others decide my path for me.

My second piece of advice is to be a conscious parent. Don’t lose yourself trying to control your child’s journey mistaking it for your own. Learn to balance the continuous discovery of who you are while being there as a teacher and support system for your kid(s). Being a student will never stop nor will it make you any less of a teacher, so embrace both. The polarity of the two create a healthy natural balance. My daughter is two and it’s my first go, so I’m still a padawan. I don’t want my daughter to grow up with the illusion that I am supreme and my word is “god”. I see it as a two way street. She’s going to learn lessons from me always, and I’ll learn all sorts of stuff from her too. I see our relationship like any other relationship I have in life. A total two way street in which the more I invest, the bigger the return I can expect to have. I think I have a responsibility to her to apply myself 110% because I chose to bring her into this world, but I also owe it to myself. What do I want to get out of it? I find when I do things with my daughter and I am fully present, she seems to give me the best version of herself in gratitude, and in such appreciation for her effort, I give her back the same. I don’t see the word “parent” as a synonym for “ruler” or “monarch” or “boss lady”. Ultimately, I think parenting isn’t about creating a mini version of myself, or creating the person I wanted but failed to be. She is a completely whole person with her own personality and her own perceptual filters of reality. Even though she’s of me, she will still view the world from her own set of eyes. It’s not my job to judge or change who she is. It’s my job to create a safe space for her to explore and discover who she is and then help her develop the relevant tools she will need in order to survive and flourish in this world as the person she is. I don’t have any investment in her being anything other than herself and I’m excited I get to help her find out whoever it is she will end up becoming.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommas and grandmommas and great grandmommas and great great grandmommas! And if there are any great great great grandmommas alive out there, then wow… I wanna shake your hand!

 

 

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sparky Sin Claire @ 11:20 am

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