Thought these turned out so interesting. I really see how much I’ve changed when I put the pictures next to each other!
Miss this guy & his partner in crime Fundo Butthead McGee! They are good people.
For some reason my goddamned “Home Shared” application isn’t working properly, because when I turn the option on my iPad to access “Free Bird’s Library”, the name of my iTunes account on my laptop, only like 20 albums of hundreds show up.
Music is IMPERATIVE for my camming enjoyment. It 100% makes or breaks the mood. This is proved when I’m fucking my ass in a show and my 300 song playlist on shuffle starts to play Billy Joel’s The Entertainer, and the guy jerking off types the ultimatum of me changing the song immediately or him leaving in horror.
So all my subscriptions of all the online music apps that are available in Canada are expired. WHY THE FUCK DOESN’T CANADA HAVE PANDORA?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I never appreciated the value of pandora until I moved to Canada. One of the first things I do whenever I am back in the states is re-download pandora. I re-download it because when I’m in Canada and I see the P icon, I get fucking pissed I can’t use it so I fucking delete it.
That was a longwinded way of saying I was googling how much deezer was (I don’t mind paying a reasonable fee for a service I enjoy using, just like I don’t mind paying for music, supporting a good cause, participating in capitalism in the good way, etc.) and as I was typing “how much…. (is deezer)” the incidentally commonly searched phrase “how much should I weigh?” popped up.
It occurred to me I have never known whether I was an appropriate weight or not, and how I would even find out that information. Especially since I am overly critical of my body. I generalized the topic of this post because of all the people in the world I know, I’d guess 95% of my female friends have put their body down on several occasions and a generous 5% of males I’ve known have made a derogatory comment about theirs.
I know female performers in porn who have turned down work because they felt fat. I know women who don’t go out because they feel fat. I know a lot of women, including myself, who have done insane things because of the way they felt about their body.
So I found that it is very easy to calculate whether or not you are at an appropriate weight according to your height & weight. Obviously this is not the end all peace of mind answer to whether you should love your body or not. Everyone’s body is at where it’s at, so accepting that no matter the health or physical attractiveness indications, is the first step. And yes, while I may be at an appropriate weight, it certainly doesn’t necessarily make me happy with the way I look or determine whether I am healthy…. BUT I know that it did make me feel less out of control of my body and feel better about the state I’m in now.
Here’s how you do it…. Try it! You may be surprised with the results. Or at least it may help you gauge where to start if you feel you do need to do something about your weight, body image, physical health, emotional health, etc.
I’ll use my actual height and weight to show you the math.
Because the scales in Canada are in kilograms, I don’t need to convert this. But if you are in the states and weigh in pounds, then google convert however much you weigh in pounds to kilograms. The same goes for your height which you will need to convert from feet/inches to meters.
I weigh 57 kilograms = 127lbs. I am 5’3″ = 1.6 meters.
BMI (Body Mass Index), which is what determines whether you are at an approppriate weight, is found by dividing your weight in kg by the square of your height in meters.
To get the square of my height, so I know how much 57 is divided by, I multiply my height, 1.6 by the same number, 1.6, which equals 2.57. Then I divide my weight, 57kg by the square of my height, 2.57m, which equals my BMI, 22.18.
According to the medical website I was on, If your BMI is under 18, you are underweight. If your BMI is in between 18 & 25, you are at a normal weight, and if your BMI is in between 25 & 30, you’re classified as obese.
Hope this helped, in whatever way it may have.
Last 5 KinkLive.com shifts until 9 months or so from now around October.
Monday 02/18: 7-10pm PST
Tuesday 02/19: 6-9pm PST
Wednesday 02/20: 12-3pm & 6-9pm PST
Thursday 02/21: 5-8pm PST
KinkLive.com is by far, the BEST cam studio/website I have EVER EVER been apart or heard of. The commission they give models is higher than any other legitimate cam site, and the staff are GOLDEN. In addition to a very reasonable commission %, they have top quality studios so that girls don’t have to pay for and provide their own sex toy collection, as Kink provides fucking machines, sybians, hitachis, rope, scissors, floggers, paddles, canes, nipple clamps, rubber bands clothespins, dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, as well as super awesome high tech equipment and studio-grade lighting which makes all of us look fucking awesome!
Sadly, there are no KinkLive Studios in Montreal or France where I will be for the larger part of the next year. I have one more trip planned for mid-January (so look out for me on Kink in a couple months!!!).
BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That doesn’t mean I am disappearing. To those of you who still want to keep in contact, have sexy fun, or if you never got a chance to play with me via cam but still want to now or in the future….
SKYPE SHOWS for only $2 per min! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to arrange an appt. with me. Because of the way I will accept payment (unless I agree to receive it instantly in the form of an amazon gift card (for example), you need to know that I will not do the show before I have seen the payment approved which can take 2-3 days tops. This means you will most likely not be able to email me the day of, pay, and get the cam show that same night. So if you want to jerk off to me gaping my asshole while playing the trombone, you’re going to have to plan just a little bit ahead.
However, if you REAALLLLY need to blow your load and you’d like me to assist, I’ll usually be happy to accept payment in amazon gift card form.
IN ADDITION! to personal skype shows, which is my personal preferance, as it’s way more intimate, no rules, people watching us (unless you want people to )…..
YOU CAN FIND ME HERE AS WELL:
I will be camming on Streamate.com for only $3.50 a min! Blocks of 30 min or an hr also will get a discount.
I will be setting up a schedule when I arrive to Montreal, probably on Wednesday, and will be camming for 3 hours shifts at least 3 nights a week. If you can’t make any of the times but want to, shoot me an email at email@example.com and I will be happy to accomodate you!
That’s not all though!!!! If you’d like to see me with my cute girlfriends or even watch me get fucked by a really nice beautiful big cock, I’d be happy to arrange that for you.
Also – I love to please you guys… it makes my job more fun… to be doing things that get you guys excited! So in the words of Jerry Maguire, “HELP ME HELP YOU!” If you want to see me wear something that really turns you on, or use a toy I don’t have…. TELL ME! I can either get it on my own, or if you have class, you’ll gift me any items or clothing you want to see and I’ll be sure to wear/use/whatever it just for you sweet cheeks!
Also, I have gotten much better at interacting with my fans, and I’ve come to find that it isn’t work, tedious, or aggravating at all! That’s probably because the fans I have that PAY for my porn, TAKE ME PRIVATE in my cam shows, SEND PRESENTS to show appreciation, or even just write me a message that is ACTUALLY SINCERE AND GENUINE are fucking awesome, unique, incredible people. So many of them I would even love to meet and am so blessed to at least feel their support and presence via world wide web. So – if you wanna say hi, don’t be scared. If you’re not a douchebag, or just message me over and over saying “hi bb” “lets fuck bb” ”wanna see my dick bb” etc etc… I’ll probably answer back!
OK! On my way to my last KinkLive show for awhile. Jesus mother fucking christ, I am going to miss the shit out of you who don’t say hi to me on my other venues…. If you’re going to be loyal, then be loyal with me the person, not the studio. However, I will say, if I am ever in LA or SF, the only cam site I will be on is KinkLive.com.
Gros Bisous (Big Kisses!)
Screenshots taken by the LOVELY and EXQUISITE VanessOrtizzzzzz from my 2nd to last cam show on KinkLive.com:
Hey guys! I’m finally starting to get pretty consistent with answering tweets, messages, and most importantly!!!! Following through with things I tell you I am going to do. I haven’t in any way perfected it… but hey! A week later ain’t bad for me. “There’s nowhere to go but everywhere.” So here’s my KinkLive.com cam shift schedule for the duration of my trip back home to California.
Sparky Sin Claire BDSM Chat
Sun, Nov 4 4-7 PM PST
Mon, Nov 5 4-7 PM PST
Tue, Nov 6 4-7 PM PST
Wed, Nov 7 4-7 PM PST
Sun, Nov 11 2-5 PM PST
Mon, Nov 12 2-5 PM PST
Tue, Nov 13 2-5 PM PST
Wed, Nov 14 12-3 PM PST
Hope to see you guys at a show you’re able to make! There is a slight possibility that I will schedule up to 7 more shows that would fall on the following dates, if I decide to stay longer (tentative leave dates are the 18th or 30th:
Sun, Nov 18 (TBA)
Mon, Nov 19 (TBA)
Tues, Nov 20 (TBA)
Wed, Nov 21 (TBA)
Sat, Nov 24 (TBA)
Sun, Nov 25 (TBA)
Mon, Nov 26 (TBA)
I was intimidated, arriving in Paris, France. It could have been that I had been traveling for 18 hours at that point. And did not sleep the night before after being on set for about 10 hrs during which I shot some really beautiful photos with Kelly Lind, who I adore so so much, and finally after knowing Mark Wood for 3 years and never having fucked each other got to have amazing gaping butt sex with and in front of pornographer Mike Quasar for the FIRST time who was one of the first people I met in porn 4 years ago in Montreal, Canada! It was a tiresome day cause of all the over stimulus… Tiresome but only because of too many wonderful things going on. And because of errands the day before, an endless list of “To-do’s” and packing for France, only slept about 3 hours the night before my scene.
It may have been because I was stepping into unknown territory, geographically, intellectually, emotionally… And though I had done an impressive job resisting the urge to indulge my brain in living every possible scenario, in every way things could turn out successful or disastrous, the path my life (& I unconsciously) took which led me to taking my first trip overseas and for the secret reasons I did, was so surreal, and so movie-like (even for me!) … I was overwhelmed in the best way possible. I estimate that I’ve been searching in desperation to feel this at such magnitude for… nearly 4 and 1/2 years. That was when I moved to Montreal for the first time. I have had monumental experiences consistently since then, but the purity of that escape to freedom, is the same escape from my self-created personal hell that I’ve been clawing my way out of. And it’s funny and all too appropriate that in both circumstances the biggest similarity is that salvation came when I let go which could only be done by let my grip free from the walls of the hell I was in and free fell my scary way to the bottom of the black hole which I couldn’t see from where I was dangling, that it was truly a tunnel with a light at the end, which is what every terrible experience is.”
Now here is what I actually intended to write, hehehe:
Oh my goodness. It is so so quiet in the airport, it’s unbelievable. It’s so incredible there are tears in my eyes & the quietness alone is so unbelievable I’m trembling. An airport employee whispers “Ca va?” I can barely hear him but it doesn’t matter. The air in baggage claim was so gentle there was no need for him to be any louder and I whispered back in an even smaller, more delicate voice, “Oui.”
Somewhat tragically I did not have it together enough to pre-empt the Holy Ship! cruise by getting my ass to the verizon store to try and fix my horribly working R2D2 Droid (should have read the reviews, but I was just too damn excited about being the cool kid with the limited ed. R2 phone)… however it’s broken, I’m not sure… but it won’t let me save pictures. My ipod is still in Montgomery, Alabama. I still need to send my friend the $20 or whatever it’ll be to have it shipped here. That would be an easy thing to do… I should just get that done tomorrow. And then I have a Nikon digital camera that stopped charging only 6 months after getting it. I had it sent in… Best Buy had it weeks later… I picked it up… It still wouldn’t charge.
I did however, right before boarding the ship, stop in the little gift store at the Sheraton for some disposable cameras. They didn’t have any disposable cameras, but they did, on the very top shelf, in aged yellow-tinted plastic, two ancient Kodak cameras. One from 1992, a panaramic, and one from 1994, a focus-free. They both came with the film also from the early 90′s. Pretty excited to see how the film turned out. REALLY hoping that no matter how discolored, they come out. There was some pretty special shots in there.
However! I did land upon these NSFW photos taken with Proxy Paige’s camera. Hey… I was on a private beach in the bahamas… You really expect any of these to be safe enough for facebook?
(Wrote this on October 20th, a week into the tour. I looked on the travel itinerary to see where I was when I wrote this, and I remember very clearly that I wrote that during the drive from West Lafayette, Indiana to Chicago, Illinois.)
October 20, 2011, Reason Movement Tour
I’m listening to Mike Snow’s “Sans Soleil”, a song that anchors good feelings to the day I met Evil Angel director Jay Sin. Him, Mandy Mitchell and I had a slumber party that night, and when this song came on, I understood why it was so exceptional.
I got in the habit of wearing my headphones because I re-remembered how sensitive my mood is to the music that’s playing. One song could make me feel anxious, while the next song could lift me to euphoria. And while half of the time, the band and my musical taste are compatible, the other half they are not. I kind of remember a time where I wasn’t so particular about things, but my little routines, habits, & state of my surroundings have become some way of dealing.
Not with anything in particular, usually. Just my constantly flowing tar pit river of anxiety, that connects in veins and pools into a whirlpool in the very center of my chest. It feels like where my heart would be even though I know it’s actually where my lungs are, and all of this makes it hard to breath. I’m used to the dull yet bearable just because I’m conscious anxiety, and so I only become aware of it when it becomes unmanageable & I feel it so physically all over my body, like right now, that I know I’m not breathing like I should.
Deep breaths help. I’m going to consciously start practicing to breath more as well as maintain the posture I learned to have when I was trained & then promoted to Upper Floor slave for 6 months in San Francisco, CA for Kink.com’s TheUpperFloor.com. I know that this low time in my life is not necessarily uncommon. That while it’s been very challenging, lonely, etc… I’m also learning so much and that I should be using all this time to evolve, because when it gets unbelievably good in my life, I will feel so silly that I spent time in a deep dark eternal purgatory.
You really never know what could happen next… What your dreams hold for you when you somehow manage to get yourself into bed after many hours of silent protest or what events could transpire the next morning and all through out the day. I know that when I feel completely helpless, something extraordinary always happens… and instead of feeling sheepish of the wasted hours of distrust in the universe, I would much rather feel the confident affirmation of “I knew it would come when it was time and it has and I managed to preserve my happiness irregardless of the circumstances so now I can enjoy better times and with less wrinkles, dark circle, and premature gray hair.” The extraordinary miracles that seem to pop in when you are on the brink of surrender, rooting you on, reminding you that your life isn’t being lived in vain… it will be so much more sweet if when it happens and I’ll feel more wise, more at peace with the unpredictable chaos of life. The calm before and after the storm is this peace. A time of renewal before the next battle and then a time of rest after as well.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo times a billion,
Copyright anyone, 2009.